The NFL is so serious about punishing sexual abusers that it suspended Bucs quarterback Jameis Winston for three games for sexually assaulting an Uber driver instead of the six games called for in the supposedly no-nonsense policy.

If Winston does it again, I believe the NFL will pay him a bonus.

But wait. There’s more. Winston said he was drinking and couldn’t remember what he did in that Uber vehicle. That was part of his defense. The NFL didn’t just buy that defense but rewarded it, and what’s more, didn’t force Winston to admit to that wrongdoing for which he was suspended.

Remember when the NFL talked so big that sexual assault has no place in the league and proudly proclaimed that violations of its new personal conduct code began with a baseline of six games?

And now comes this irresponsible and despicable result. And it’s not the first or second time the league has displayed its hollow moral center in sexual assault cases.

The NFL — Noted For Loathsomeness.

The NFL Network’s 2018 list of top 100 players did not include any Bears, same as last year. Say this for Bears GM Ryan Pace: He’s consistent.

Former NFL referee Gene Steratore joined the “NFL on CBS’’ as an analyst. Does he know what a catch is yet?

The NFL told Laurent Duvernay-Tardif he would not be able to wear “M.D.’’ after his last name on his jersey even though he became a doctor this year. Congratulations to the Chiefs offensive lineman for earning his medical degree, but if he’s so smart, why is he dumb enough to play a game that contributes to brain damage on every play?

Stevie Sunshine’s Power Rankings:

1. Luscious. Such domination likely will prompt the Guinness World Records people to clear a spot.

2. Brandt’s bacon cheeseburger. If the toppings aren’t squirting out of the sides and if the juices aren’t dripping down your arm, then you’re doing cheeseburgers wrong.

3. Yu Darvish. Popped for a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse spread for both teams after his minor-league start Monday. Hey, at least something went right with Darvish this week.

4. The National League. Be thankful, Cubs, that you’re in the NBA East of MLB.

5. NBA free agency. It begins Sunday. Ahem, Bulls.

6. NHL free agency. It begins Sunday. Ahem, Blackhawks.

7. The Bagel’s pastrami Reuben sandwich. The pastrami Reuben is how you say “umami’’ in Yiddish. Don’t worry, Manny’s. I don’t love you any less. I just didn’t come by you.

8. Iceland. Being eliminated in the group round cannot diminish the joy that the smiters brought to the world kickball tournament. Viking clap.

9. Seven Daughters 2014 Rich Red. So many delicious grape varieties make this wine the smoothest over-the-counter medicine that I believe fights heart disease.

10. Cigars. It’s just sad when you’re down to the nub, furiously lighting and relighting through the ashy veneer, desperately trying to savor every last bit of hand-rolled goodness, and then you get through the mourning period by remembering they put 25 in a box.

The Bulls say they plan to take a patient approach to free agency, which sounds like a diplomatic way of saying they’ll sit idly while waiting for the best players to go elsewhere before picking through the clearance rack.

Cubs GM Jed Hoyer told WSCR-AM 670’s “Mully and Hanley Show’’ that “the answers are in the clubhouse.’’ Hope so, because the questions seem to be all over the field.

Or maybe the answer is in the Mets’ clubhouse where Jacob deGrom reportedly is available.

I believe the Journal of the American Medical Association has officially declared “Sammy Sosa fatigue’’ to be a malady identified notably by the obvious, persistent and painful symptom that he won’t stay away and he isn’t welcome back.

The Big Ten’s TV revenue has grown beyond $50 million per school, and generally that’s not the majority of revenue derived by athletic departments. Maybe someday they can amass enough millions to pay the players.

What’s up, Tanyon Sturtze?

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